"Can you get back?" (Force India)
"No. We're really stuck into each other..." (Hulkenberg)
Nico Hulkenberg's race is over by Turn 2 - he loses the rear of his car and spins, collecting Sauber's Marcus Ericsson in the process.
"Is he okay?" (Vettel to Ferrari following Grosjean's shunt on lap 11)
"Is he okay? Because it looks like a big one..." (Verstappen to Toro Rosso after Sainz's crash in FP3)
Toro Rosso's Carlos Sainz and Lotus's Romain Grosjean, meanwhile, suffer very big accidents during the weekend, to the immediate concern of their fellow drivers.
"My throttle pedal is broken. If it sticks, what do I do?"
A concerned Nico Rosberg has to contend with a sticking throttle, which costs him the lead and eventually forces his retirement for Mercedes.
"If we have to pit again, what's your [tyre] preference?" (McLaren)
"Both the same, whatever." (Alonso)
Fernando Alonso, meanwhile, doesn't appear too fussed about mid-distance back-up options should his one-stop strategy come unstuck...
"The car in front just crossed the line of the pit entry." (Button, lap 11)
"Err why is Sainz not getting a penalty?" (Button, lap 27)
...which cuts a stark contrast to team mate Jenson Button, who sniffs the opportunity to gain a place after Sainz makes a mistake heading into the pits.
"Not too bad - I think we should be reasonably happy. Did not expect that." (Button after qualifying 13th)
"Good, better!" (Alonso after qualifying 16th)
Both McLaren drivers do at least sense progress, especially as McLaren were expected to struggle in Sochi.
"Okay Fernando, we are racing Massa behind to the end." (McLaren)
"I love your sense of humour!"
Alonso, fast becoming a Say what? favourite, still manages one wry put-down during the race. Apropos of nothing, he is passed by Massa on the next lap, the Brazilian going on to finish fourth, six places on ahead of Alonso on the road.
"Did you say one second to Rosberg!?"
Qualifying, and Lewis Hamilton's shock emphasises the early advantage Mercedes team mate Nico Rosberg has. The German goes on to take pole by 0.3s, the biggest gap he has enjoyed all season.
"That was a disaster... I lost the rear from pretty much Turn 4. Had nothing on it."
Hamilton isn't the only one struggling - Red Bull's Daniel Ricciardo can't hook up a lap in Q3 and winds up the slowest of the 10 runners.
"Are we P9? Oh it's not a bad result then, despite the limited running we had on a new track!"
Ricciardo's loss is Verstappen's gain, as the Dutchman secures ninth despite having just 36 laps of Sochi under his belt before qualifying.
"I've got traffic." (Massa)
"We need this lap, we need this lap!" (Williams)
"Yeah it was stupid. I got traffic on the lap, and then I lost the tyres completely on the rear..." (Massa)
Massa, meanwhile, can only rue a mistake on his first Q2 lap. Subsequent efforts are spoiled by traffic and tyre wear, leaving him 15th, 12 spots behind team mate Valtteri Bottas.
"To be honest I was expecting the track to be a bit more slippery, so it wasn't bad."
Speaking of Bottas, the Finn made light of treacherous conditions in FP2 - Alonso was the only driver to rack up more laps.
"It's a mess, absolute mess."
Sebastian Vettel isn't quite as kind after becoming the first driver to venture out in FP1 following a lengthy delay for an accidental diesel spillage.
"We've got a very brave Russian running across the track..."
It isn't Vettel's only run-in with Sochi, after a marshal steps out in front of his Ferrari to retrieve track debris during the race.
"Last lap Kimi, last lap. All or nothing!"
On the other side of the Ferrari garage, a call to arms doesn't exactly go to plan as Raikkonen closes on Bottas in the fight for third...
"I thought that he's seen me, but obviously not." (Raikkonen)
"Understood mate, we know you were racing." (Ferrari)
A sheepish Raikkonen offers a vague form of apology after his botched move on Bottas at Turn 4 leads to contact.
"What the **** did he do!?"
Pitched into the barriers and out of the race, Bottas, however, isn't in the mood to mince his words.
"Raikkonen ahead has a problem... let's go get him! Let's go get him!" (Williams)
Bottas's pain does at least allow Massa to slip by Raikkonen to claim fourth on the last lap, much to the excitement of the Brazilian's race engineer.
"JB that is P9. Great job on a circuit we didn't think would suit us!" (McLaren)
"It didn't! (laughs) But we did a good job there. Quite fun with Fernando as well." (Button)
Button also has cause to celebrate, prevailing in a race-long fight with Alonso to seal ninth.
"Checo you're still P3 but to make it work we have to have maximum management on the front..." (Force India)
"Man I cannot do any more..."
With 10 laps to go, Force India and Sergio Perez begin to sense their podium hopes slipping away as the Mexican's tyres fade - allowing Ricciardo, Bottas and Raikkonen to close in...
"Wow! Well done guys. That was very hard, I had no rubber left at all. Let's enjoy this moment!"
Heartbreak turns to triumph in the blink of an eye for Perez, however, as Raikkonen and Bottas's last-lap collision lets him through for third - the fifth podium of his career, and only his second with Force India.